Winter in the Rockies
December 8: 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift
down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt
like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the
Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the
first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12:
The
sun has melted all
our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry,
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad
he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow!
8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the
driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for
the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a
wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in
Alaska, after all.
December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a$$ on the ice in the driveway putting down
salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was
off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do
but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a
wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I
can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More
shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighborhood kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.
December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white $hit
fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45
minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel, and then I had to pee. By
the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but
he says he's too busy. I think the @#$%%^ is lying.
December 23:
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.
December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having
a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bi*ch who drives that snowplow,
I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the G***amn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a
fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26:
Still snowed in.
Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting
on my nerves.
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of
waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28:
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BI*CH is driving me crazy!
December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's
the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million
dollars; not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his a$$. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31:
I set fire to what's
left of the house. No more shoveling.
January
8:
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am
I tied to the bed?